do i deserve anxiety?
One time my friends asked me to take this “Things I have done” checklist.
So I did. Everything laid bare. When they asked me to send a screenshot, I panicked.
I redid everything, but I left a few things I thought were relatable. I thought I left out anything that they would inquire further about.
Until they asked me. “When were you depressed?”
I tried to dodge the question, but they called it “fair game” since I had it marked.
How could I tell them it was happening as we spoke? My depression was a slow-burn. It would appear in the back of my mind as I went through the motions every day.
I’d still finish my homework on time. Make time for my friends. Do everything necessary to keep my life looking the same. I just wasn’t happy.
I couldn’t find the time to do stuff for myself. I feared moving out of the robotic sequence I existed in.
So I brushed it off as a couple sad days and moved on.
Since then I learned to hide things from them—until I learned that people don’t need proof to dismiss what they don’t know.
One day I got the courage to admit to my friend that I had anxiety. She responded with “Why do you have it, you don’t even do anything?”
I stayed silent the rest of the walk to class.
How was I supposed to tell her that I have anxiety for everything? For waking up and going to school each morning to going to the dentist.
Sometimes I feel weak. Compared to Thomas from the Maze Runner I went through maybe 0.00001% of the stress that he went through. Yet he triumphed while I continue to struggle to survive going to school every morning.
So do I really deserve this anxiety? Her question still makes me think I don’t. I know I don’t have plot armor. But maybe I need thicker skin. I fear disorder. Maybe that’s my problem.
Maybe I don’t belong in a universe where entropy is king.
That feeling of “nothing’s wrong but everything feels heavy”,oh my. People often think you’re fine, but they don’t see the silent effort it takes to just get through the day. Maybe we don’t need to deserve anxiety; maybe it’s just proof that we’re still trying to live.
Hello dear Saachi 🦋🪽🩵
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel what you feel. No one deserves to feel anxious, but if you do, then it’s real, and it matters. You don’t need validation from friends or anyone else to make it legitimate — your experience already is.
Your friend can’t know what’s going on inside you, and that’s okay. She’s speaking from her own limits, not from truth. I just hope you find someone older or steadier to talk to, someone who can really listen and help you reflect.
Anxiety is your body and mind trying to tell you something — a signal, not a flaw. Over time, you’ll learn to shape your own structure, to choose the people and the pace that feel right for you.
And you don’t need thicker skin. What you need is to stay soft — to allow yourself to be sensitive, open, and vulnerable. One day you’ll see the strength in those things. The world, and the structure we’re thrown into, can be harsh and often clash with who we are inside. That’s not your fault, and it’s not a weakness.
So instead of “stay strong,” I’d rather say, stay soft. Learn to hold on to yourself. Be kind and generous with yourself. I see you. I feel you, cause I’ve been where you are… ish of course. Everyone has different experiences, but we often study the same spiritual topics, through different angles🦋🩵🪽
Much love and support to you,
Big hug from Eya🦋🪽🩵